Nothing
by HogwartsPrincess11587
Summary: Sometimes nothing is a big something. Linstead one-shot post 3.16.


**Inspiration struck and I just had to type it out to get it off my mind, thought I may as well post it.**

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"What'cha thinkin'?" Erin rasped, nudging her toes into her boyfriend's thigh to get his attention. Jay was slow to respond, withdrawing the beer bottle from where it had been resting against his lips before turning to look her way. He didn't quite look at her, not until his eyebrows had danced, first as he cleared his mind and then as he tried to remember what she had said.

"Nothing, you?" He returned simply, wishing his mind was as easy to quiet as his friend Mouse had been. She could see that he was still making his way back from the distant place he had been and so didn't feel like going to any more effort than he had.

"Nothing."

"Looked like you were thinking something" He challenged when his eyes finally met hers, his narrowed but twinkling with a hint of amusement. This was them, comfortable, light, easy conversation.

"Not really" She shook her head, she knew he hadn't looked at her since they'd sat down. She knew he really had no idea if she had 'looked' like she was thinking something. But that was fine with her too, she didn't want to be in one of those relationships where there was a constant need to check for approval. She liked the way they could just occupy the same space, without the need for reassuring glances or words.

"C'mon, today was tough. Talk to me" He implored, the corners of his mouth turning up in a hopeful little boy smile. Given everything, who they were, where they'd come from and what they did, he knew it was important to support each other. Erin always struggled with allowing herself to use that support though, preferring to be self-sufficient, no matter how inefficient that proved to be.

"I was just… Its cases like that that remind me why I don't want kids" She conceded relatively unemotively. It was the truth, the whole truth, she hadn't allowed herself to go any further down that path.

"Hm?" Jay questioned instantly, doing everything in his power to continue to raise the beer bottle to his mouth, taking a sip and fighting to keep his expression neutral.

"I mean it's hard enough with you and Hank and the team… I'm not going to open my heart up any more than that. It's not worth it" She justified, not that she was sure why she felt the need to. She'd half sensed his moment of panic and felt obliged to expand on her statement, to let him into her head. Not that that didn't still scare her. "And me, as a mother? No" She added, that was the part she had wanted to avoid. Ruining everything by talking future and kids was unwise, especially since she was fresh out of a dark place and enjoying their budding relationship.

"So you're saying you don't want a kid because you'd rather save yourself the pain of losing it?" Jay attempted to clarify, his tone suggesting her thinking didn't make a lot of sense.

"Pretty much" She concluded, taking a swig of beer and looking off around the room, as far as she was concerned nothing more needed to be said.

"Er, he was black, his dad was in a gang, it was mistaken identity but still… there were a lot of factors" He listed and concluded, surprising her with his defensiveness.

"So what you're saying is that our white kid, with cops for parents, would be fine?" She turned around, the words leaving her mouth before she really had a chance to consider what she was saying. Her defiant look faded as she realised what she had said. 'Our kid.' What was she thinking?

"Yeah" He agreed, as if it was really that simple.

"Bullshit" She provided flatly, not even bothering to construct a full sentence on just how wrong he was. "Dora Kot" She offered in evidence a second later.

"That's different" He objected, giving her an almost disappointed look, as if she were being unreasonable. It wasn't something Erin took kindly, pulling her legs in and straightening to sit cross-legged on the couch, facing him, ready to get into it.

"How?" She demanded to begin with. "You think there aren't people out there who have it out for you, that want to get back at you?" She questioned, he simply couldn't deny that. "Bembenek" She provided when it looked like he was going to try. "Some of those people are unhinged enough to want to… to kill our kid." The thought alone was difficult.

"So on the slight chance our kid might get caught up in something you think it's better not to have a kid at all" He again tried to clarify, putting it back to her as if at any second she would realise that he was right. He didn't like the turn their conversation had taken but he couldn't back down because while he knew it was too soon to admit he wanted that. A kid, with her. A future, with her.

"Yeah" She nodded. "You remember 'Tonio when Pulpo's men took Diego?" She asked, feeling as if her argument had more weight to it because she'd been able to provide examples. "He was… I don't ever want to be like that. It was bad enough when Keyes had you" She shared softly, it was still hard to talk about. "I don't want to feel like that ever again, helpless, like I could have done more…"

It seemed like he really considered that, placing a hand on her leg and looking deep into her eyes comfortingly. "How did you feel about it… before Nadia?" He posed, the name feeling wrong on his tongue because he knew it crossed a line, regretting opening his mouth.

"Jay" Erin breathed shakily, eyes dark and dangerous but watery and vulnerable at the same time. She looked hurt, he had hurt her.

"I'm sorry" He apologised, raising his hands in a gesture of surrender. They were both quiet for a long time, taking the time to work out where they stood with each other.

"If having kids is important to you then I'm sorry but…" She began after thinking it over carefully, recognising what she was saying and what it meant.

"Erin, don't" He interrupted before she could finish.

"What?" She pressed frustratedly, eyes hard because she'd already started to rebuild her walls.

"We're both tired, it was a big day. Let's not say things we'll regret" He reasoned gently, rubbing his thumb across her knee as he looked at her pleadingly. She might have been but he certainly wasn't ready to end everything they had.

"I regret starting this conversation" She informed dryly.

"I'm sorry" He repeated, feeling like he'd been the one to push the point and take things too far. The silence stretched for a good minute before he decided to get it all out in the open and say what he really thought. "You just… you have such a big heart. It's one of the things I love most about you, that after everything you're still willing to open it and let people in… let me in…" He trailed off for a moment, wondering if she understood how privileged he felt. "Our kid, any kid would be so lucky to have you as its mother… And after today I understand why you feel the way you do. It's just not the Erin I know" He finished sincerely, squeezing the hand he'd moved to grasp as he spoke. More silence, this time accentuated by the clock ticking away tense seconds.

"I'm gonna go have a shower" She replied, pulling her hand from his grip and setting her near empty beer bottle on her coffee table as she got up. She had decided the safest option was to take his advice and go before she said something she'd regret.

"Okay" He allowed, unwilling to push any harder. At least she was only running to the shower, he'd consider that progress. "I'll be in soon."

She'd taken a few strides when she stopped suddenly, he could see that she was conflicted as she looked back over her shoulder at him. "Jay."

"Yeah?" He encouraged.

"Maybe…maybe one day?" She granted uncertainly, managing a soft scoff at the reuse of one of their significant lines.

"Maybe" He accepted.


End file.
